I Am...Alone

I have concluded that I fear being Alone.
In grade school growing up, when I got in trouble they put me in “time out” so I could be Alone.
My parents sent me to my room so I could be Alone.
Even in prison one may find his or herself in solitary confinement if erroneous behavior is exhibited because we hate to be Alone.
There is something in the substratum of humanity’s soul that detests being alone;
So much that alone serves as an effective instrument of reprove for both children and adults, both me and you.
I am Alone.

We search for family, friends, partners, and lovers; willing to lose ourselves – sacrificing our sacred spaces of sexuality, soul, and mind only to find ourselves stuck in the solitary we were trying to avoid in hopes for solidarity.
I am Alone.

Alone, not physiologically, but emotionally:
I live around hundreds of people and have plenty of friends
Yet I am Alone.
I have a great family and a gregarious personality
Yet I am Alone
I am an educated, black man, without child, criminal record, angry past, or history of substance abuse.
Yet I am Alone.

Memories of love and moments of companionship seem to be short lived
As I travel along this inevitable road of being Alone.
Sometimes it’s my fault.
Sometimes it’s your fault.
Sometimes it’s both our faults.
Sometimes it’s geographical location.
Sometimes it’s God.
Sometimes I don’t know what it is.
However, one thing is clear
I am Alone.

Alone, because no one seems to understand or comprehend the complexity of a man, that is me.
Alone, because those who find themselves penetrating the impenetrable shell of mystery that is my heart, only appear to be visiting or vacationing; as they soon embark on their next emotional expedition.
Not even cleaning up behind themselves and leaving me to clean up the mess they made all by myself.
I am Alone.

Surrounded by multitudes everyday, but alone;
Loved by many, and wanted by a few, but alone;
Looked to for advice and admired by some, but alone.
A mess of a man in my own eyes, but no one else seems to realize.
I am Alone.

But it is in this place of solitude
that I find my source of rectitude.
While others may leave for various reasons of inevitability
There is one who is there handling all his responsibilities.
It is in my solitude that I am reminded of the one who was there in the beginning
and promises to be there in the end.
Through my mistakes he remains and his love refuses to change.
It fills me up when I am drained
and I get chills when I hear his name.
Jesus help me to get through this fear and always remember you are near.

I am Alone, but am I?
It is at this point that I realize
what I really am searching for is an incarnate Christ.
A wife, lover, and friend
who promises to stick with me until the end.
One who will help me to bare my cross
And replenish my reservoir when I am in a drought.
No doubt, in my mind I know she is already out there
and if I can hold on a little longer I will soon be running my fingers through her hair.

I am Alone but not forsaken;
Alone,

but not broken;
Alone,

but not dismayed;
Alone,

but no longer afraid.

For Christ is with me and his spirit guides me
Through the precarious, desolate book called The Life of Me.

One day the hour will come.
One day I’ll hear that drum, playing a perfected rhythm in my heart
because this woman will never depart.

But

until the providential wind blows her into my direction,
At the right time and perfected intersection –
and we unite bringing love into conception –
I am Alone.